We say we compromise all the time. We compromise on what movie to watch with friends or what color to paint the bathroom. The President says Congress needs to compromise in order to balance the budget or pass a jobs bill. But compromise isn't the right word for any of this. These are not examples of compromise. At least not in the way we mean it. Just like we use "near miss" to mean "wow that was close" instead of what it actually means...that we hit something. Or we say that the town was decimated by the hurricane, when in fact if the town was decimated only 1/10 of it was damaged...instead of nearly all of it.
I have been thinking a lot about what it means to compromise and when you boil it down to the basics, to compromise means for each party to give up something in exchange of coming to an agreement. Doesn't this really mean that everyone loses? Think of it this way. You would hear someone say they would never compromise on their morals or principles. So why would they then compromise on the type of house they want to buy, the job they want to have or what they watch on TV? If our principles and morals are not something we would change, or "give an inch on" why would we give that inch elsewhere?
The answer is we don't. There are just certain fights that we choose not to engage in. Should we watch the Phillies or the Red Sox game on TV? They play at the same time, we can't watch both because we don't have a screen in screen TV. You could argue a compromise is flip between the two games but then neither person is happy because you aren't really watching either. So one person will call it a compromise and say, "let's just watch the Phillies tonight." But they haven't compromised. They have given up.
So stop compromising and start choosing your battles. Fight the fights that you won't give an inch on and ignore the rest. It may just mean a step closer to being happy...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Glass Ceilings
I wish that women could get out their own way long enough to stop making our entire gender look bad. Perhaps it is the position we find ourselves in. Having spent so many years demanding equality without thinking about what that would cost us. Without considering the damage we might do if someday we actually did break through the elusive and reinforced glass ceiling.
From business to politics to the tabloids, we may read about men failing, getting caught in scandals, being put in jail. But we aren't reading about the women at all - even those women who try to climb the corporate ladder, or reach the highest echelons of politics find themselves either riding the coat tails of, or being brought down by a man.
Now I am no feminist. But until we find a way to stop digging the divide between us deeper by believing we are playing on their home field with paid off refs, nothing will change. I'm thinking of starting a new movement...one in which women stop trying to compete with men at ever turn, and embrace the things in ourselves that make us valuable. Not as women in a man's world. But as people, in our world.
From business to politics to the tabloids, we may read about men failing, getting caught in scandals, being put in jail. But we aren't reading about the women at all - even those women who try to climb the corporate ladder, or reach the highest echelons of politics find themselves either riding the coat tails of, or being brought down by a man.
Now I am no feminist. But until we find a way to stop digging the divide between us deeper by believing we are playing on their home field with paid off refs, nothing will change. I'm thinking of starting a new movement...one in which women stop trying to compete with men at ever turn, and embrace the things in ourselves that make us valuable. Not as women in a man's world. But as people, in our world.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Resigned
I was talking to someone the other day and I said "you know I am really just resigned about my life right now." Their response: "That is awful you feel so hopeless." And I was confused.
I don't feel hopeless. I feel resigned. I feel like I do when I sit down at a Texas Hold 'Em poker game and the cards are dealt and the first round of betting has just begun. You have time to take a peak at your cards and you have to make a decision. Before the flop, before all the bets are down. Do you fold? Or do you play?
I am choosing to play. And that is what I mean by resigned. I am here. Sitting at the table with my two cards. I have made my bet. Now I have to wait and see how the hand plays out - knowing that along the way there will be crucial decisions that I will need to make to keep myself alive in the game. Resigned.
Merriam Webster defines it as: "to give oneself over without resistance." You will notice that definition, like the one I use, does not apply a positive or negative emotion to the word.
When I was teaching last year in New Orleans I focused a lot of time with my kids on the difference between the denotative definitions of words (how the dictionary defines them) and the connotative definitions of words (how we react to them or feel about them). The word resigned, like the word failure are both good examples where the denotative definition has long been lost to the connotative one. Perhaps it is time for new words...
I don't feel hopeless. I feel resigned. I feel like I do when I sit down at a Texas Hold 'Em poker game and the cards are dealt and the first round of betting has just begun. You have time to take a peak at your cards and you have to make a decision. Before the flop, before all the bets are down. Do you fold? Or do you play?
I am choosing to play. And that is what I mean by resigned. I am here. Sitting at the table with my two cards. I have made my bet. Now I have to wait and see how the hand plays out - knowing that along the way there will be crucial decisions that I will need to make to keep myself alive in the game. Resigned.
Merriam Webster defines it as: "to give oneself over without resistance." You will notice that definition, like the one I use, does not apply a positive or negative emotion to the word.
When I was teaching last year in New Orleans I focused a lot of time with my kids on the difference between the denotative definitions of words (how the dictionary defines them) and the connotative definitions of words (how we react to them or feel about them). The word resigned, like the word failure are both good examples where the denotative definition has long been lost to the connotative one. Perhaps it is time for new words...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Words out of Context
The Miami airport has words inscribed in the floor of the terminal. I think if you were to look at it the right way you would read something amazing. Something about Miami and its history and its culture and its environment and its people. But instead all I could see where words out of context. "Soaked up, never given back." Absorbed into time. Who wrote that line? What did they mean it to go with? Were they talking about the environment? An experience? The sand? The sun? An old lover?
As I could not begin to understand the authors intent I was instead left in the Miami airport feeling somehow empty and confused. Able to only put my interpretation against them. But wanting desperately to understand the whole picture. To see something outside of my own context.
Friday, March 11, 2011
An addition to "trying"
One last thought that woke me up in the middle of the night last night. Failure is one of the things that makes us great. We should always seek to take risks and see the outcomes for what they are not just a failure or a success. I think what bothers me about how we use the word trying is that we use it to give ourselves an excuse to fail. To somehow soften the blow to ourselves and others.
When we stop fearing failure, we will also stop trying. And begin doing.
When we stop fearing failure, we will also stop trying. And begin doing.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Trouble with Trying
I was always told to "try the best I could". The implication being that if I tried my best, even if I failed, I had somehow succeeded. I have struggled with that concept always. I don't see how trying negates the failure. It doesn't mean we don't learn from trying. It doesn't mean that failing is a bad thing. But I have grown tired of the concept of simply trying to do something.
If change is desired badly enough whether it be to quit smoking, get a new job, leave a relationship, start exercising then you don't "try" to do it. You simply begin taking the step necessary to do it. It doesn't mean the path is always clear and easy. It doesn't mean you won't have setbacks. But it does mean you have banished trying.
It is easy to tell when someone has reached that point. Their vocabulary changes. They no longer say: "I am trying to quit smoking." They say: "I quit smoking." They don't say: I am going to try to get to the gym 3 times a week." They say: "I go to the gym 3 times a week.
I say we remove "try" from our vocabulary. We do, or we don't. And we live with that.
If change is desired badly enough whether it be to quit smoking, get a new job, leave a relationship, start exercising then you don't "try" to do it. You simply begin taking the step necessary to do it. It doesn't mean the path is always clear and easy. It doesn't mean you won't have setbacks. But it does mean you have banished trying.
It is easy to tell when someone has reached that point. Their vocabulary changes. They no longer say: "I am trying to quit smoking." They say: "I quit smoking." They don't say: I am going to try to get to the gym 3 times a week." They say: "I go to the gym 3 times a week.
I say we remove "try" from our vocabulary. We do, or we don't. And we live with that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
We
I remember when I was first in a serious relationship and one night on the phone with my mother I responded, "oh we're fine." She hadn't asked about us. She had asked about me. But somehow in our coupling I had changed my I to We. Years later when I found myself single again I had a lot of trouble reverting back to saying I. My instinct was to respond as though I was speaking for someone in addition to myself. I more I thought about it, the more I realized that when we answer for We we are saying something. Every word has meaning. So I did some research and in addition to discovering that people in Fiji have 6 distinct words for We I found some other interesting facts about a word that doesn't get much thought.
The Inclusive We: this is the one we use when the person is with us. So my Jen and I were going to lunch and someone asked where we were going and I said "oh We are going to lunch." It is inclusive because Jen was with me. This is the most common use of the word and honestly the one that is least interesting.
The Exclusive We: this is the one I use too much. When my mother asks how I am and I say "oh We are fine" and I include my fiance and son in that We, except they are not there with me, and in fact they may not be fine. I am simply speaking for them. I am removing their voice. We use this meaning all the time and perhaps should rethink it. We say it in the business world: "oh We would be happy to make those changes." When the person who has to make them wasn't even at the meeting. Or in our personal lives: "We are so happy for you." When we know our spouse doesn't care that our friend from college is getting married. It is an inauthentic use of the word, and provides us a great opportunity to continue to hide behind language.
The Royal We/The Editorial We: the Royal We apparently (thank you Wikipedia) has it roots from when kings would say We meaning: "God and I." It isn't used that way anymore and is now more often called the Editorial We. Used when one person is speaking for many. Think the exclusive We except instead of just talking about your spouse you are talking about an entire political party. This We puts people into the role of being a voice of the masses - it is probably less inauthentic then the exclusive we because people know that speakers are not in fact speaking on behalf of everyone - but its use still creates a feeling of urgency or importance that the word I would not create.
The Author's We: this is where we use We to refer to a generic third person. "When We mix yeast and warm water the yeast rises." It is essentially used to shorten a sentence, either written or stated, in replacement of the word "someone".
The Patronizing We: isn't this the best kind? "Did we walk the dog today?" "Did we forget to take out the trash?" We use it to draw attention to something we wanted someone else to do...and usually they didn't. It is a wonderfully passive aggressive way to bust someones balls.
The English language is a fascinating thing and even among native born speakers so much can be lost in translation. Did my mother notice that as my marriage collapsed "We" went from being "great" to "good" to "fine" to "busy"? What if I had been answering just for myself? Would I have answered differently then We did?
The categories of the word We noted above came from Wikipedia - the insight/ramblings about them, well that's all me :)
The Inclusive We: this is the one we use when the person is with us. So my Jen and I were going to lunch and someone asked where we were going and I said "oh We are going to lunch." It is inclusive because Jen was with me. This is the most common use of the word and honestly the one that is least interesting.
The Exclusive We: this is the one I use too much. When my mother asks how I am and I say "oh We are fine" and I include my fiance and son in that We, except they are not there with me, and in fact they may not be fine. I am simply speaking for them. I am removing their voice. We use this meaning all the time and perhaps should rethink it. We say it in the business world: "oh We would be happy to make those changes." When the person who has to make them wasn't even at the meeting. Or in our personal lives: "We are so happy for you." When we know our spouse doesn't care that our friend from college is getting married. It is an inauthentic use of the word, and provides us a great opportunity to continue to hide behind language.
The Royal We/The Editorial We: the Royal We apparently (thank you Wikipedia) has it roots from when kings would say We meaning: "God and I." It isn't used that way anymore and is now more often called the Editorial We. Used when one person is speaking for many. Think the exclusive We except instead of just talking about your spouse you are talking about an entire political party. This We puts people into the role of being a voice of the masses - it is probably less inauthentic then the exclusive we because people know that speakers are not in fact speaking on behalf of everyone - but its use still creates a feeling of urgency or importance that the word I would not create.
The Author's We: this is where we use We to refer to a generic third person. "When We mix yeast and warm water the yeast rises." It is essentially used to shorten a sentence, either written or stated, in replacement of the word "someone".
The Patronizing We: isn't this the best kind? "Did we walk the dog today?" "Did we forget to take out the trash?" We use it to draw attention to something we wanted someone else to do...and usually they didn't. It is a wonderfully passive aggressive way to bust someones balls.
The English language is a fascinating thing and even among native born speakers so much can be lost in translation. Did my mother notice that as my marriage collapsed "We" went from being "great" to "good" to "fine" to "busy"? What if I had been answering just for myself? Would I have answered differently then We did?
The categories of the word We noted above came from Wikipedia - the insight/ramblings about them, well that's all me :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Thoughts in Motion
My commute to work has changed drastically, leaving me with 12 hours a week of time. Just time, while the world rushes past the train windows. I leave Portland so long before the sunrises that I am in a different state by the time it peaks red and orange and yellow above the farm land. I try not to see it as lost time. Try to maximize it. Reading, working, thinking. But it is that third that has gotten me hung up. Too much time with ones own mind is a dangerous thing. Is it scripture that says "idle hands are the devils work" or something like that? To me it is an idle mind.
So I try to capture the sense of calm and one day at a time attitude I so easily embraced in New Orleans. But it seems to slip away a little each day. I grind my teeth again, have migraines again, wish away entire weeks and then find myself on a train. With nothing but time. To think about what I've missed, what I've left behind and what is ahead. The train may be my embodiment of hell. Especially when the guy behind me won't stop singing along to his iPod.
So I try to capture the sense of calm and one day at a time attitude I so easily embraced in New Orleans. But it seems to slip away a little each day. I grind my teeth again, have migraines again, wish away entire weeks and then find myself on a train. With nothing but time. To think about what I've missed, what I've left behind and what is ahead. The train may be my embodiment of hell. Especially when the guy behind me won't stop singing along to his iPod.
Friday, January 21, 2011
2010 In Status
Haven't found the right words to capture the last year...so here it is in Facebook status...
1/11-things move change shift. but it is good and I am ready.
1/19-the east is covered in pink fog this morning. except we all know its not fog. because fog doesn't smell like this.
1/20-the fog is gray today. the smell is the same. I may throw up.
1/21-today the east smells like burnt toast. the entire city. how is that even possible?
1/22-runners, gang fights, lockdowns. oh but its friday :)
1/22-manchu chicken!
1/25-has self diagnosed herself with oppositional defiance disorder
2/10-is really proud of her boys right now
2/12-is thinking about a gold medal...again...
3/10-why is fog cool and magical in san francisco and just gross here? isn't it all the same fog?
3/24-amazing sunrise over the mississippi. I'm not a morning person but I will miss this.
4/27-in the memphis airport. really unimpressed. but happy to be headed north!
4/27-back in Boston. I love this weather!
5/2-heading back to nola. after such an amazing time up north it actually hurts.
5/7-is watching her boys play flag football against the coaches. may we all experience moments of such pride.
5/9-any of my Maine friends know of a good maid or maid service? Am I showing my pretension by asking? No I just recognize that at 31 I am not going to start cleaning any time soon :) Any suggestions would be great!!!!!
5/11-fire at school and now the whole city smells like oil. I am officially starting my countdown
5/11-amended post: two fires set at school. the east still smells like oil. its time.
5/17-watching my 7th graders compete in martial arts in my cafeteria. amazing how far they've come since august. this I will miss.
5/19-playing chess with one of my 6th graders. laughing so hard. this I will miss
5/20-watching one of my "struggling" math students teach his peers sine, cosine and tangent. this I will miss
5/21-sharing an ipod with charles. listening to drake. this I will miss.
5/22-t-minus one week....and counting
5/26-waiting at the airport for her brother to arrive. can't wait to see him!
5/27-may 27th. eating my first school breakfast. hmmmmm
5/27-playing board games with my boys. laughing.
5/28-will miss my boys
5/29-just drove 16 ft truck with trailer onto bourbon
5/29-as an fyi. the mississippi welcome center is closed.
5/29-the alabama welcome center is open. but not welcoming.
5/29-the city of birmingham sucks. that is all.
5/30-4 adults 3 cats 1 hotel room. interesting night
5/30-quadruple parked at a dairy queen somewhere in alabama. mnm blizzard. happy.
5/31-in west Virginia. cue banjos
5/31-made it to quakertown! ah east coast. how I have missed thee
6/1-on the road again. maineward bound
6/1-apparently a truck towing a car costs 25 in tolls to cross the tapenzee. a problem when you only have 20.
6/2-is home
6/17-is hanging out as the canyon comes between
6/18-loves new england summers
6/23-heard Midnight Train on the radio on my way to work and it made me think of Bourbon Street...missing my NOLA friends!
6/27-steamed clams and lobster. summer has begun.
8/14-I wonder what it means when you dream about being tired...
8/18-is thinking about the milestones you don't achieve
8/24-is hungry for the first time in 36 weeks...what an interesting feeling
8/30-is thinking Morning Edition on NPR needs to find some more news to report...some guy from Wisconsin who decided to move to hollywood to find success but didn't doesn't really seem like news...at all...
9/19-couldn't ask for anything more then she has right now
11/25-is thankful for friends old and new and my wonderful family. go pats!
12/6-misses her boys
12/10-realized this morning that her only response to there being no hot water is to call the landlord...not very effective when you own the house
12/15-Knows how lucky she is...and is very grateful
12/20-you are the best thing that's ever been mine
12/21-Would like to give a shout out to the state of Massachusetts for contributing to her 5 hour drive home last night...I mean it's not like they get snow that often...so it's no surprise they don't have plows or sand trucks right?
12/26-Amazing Christmas...amazing family...amazing friends...so very happy
12/30-Can't wait for a 3 day weekend with her boys
1/11-things move change shift. but it is good and I am ready.
1/19-the east is covered in pink fog this morning. except we all know its not fog. because fog doesn't smell like this.
1/20-the fog is gray today. the smell is the same. I may throw up.
1/21-today the east smells like burnt toast. the entire city. how is that even possible?
1/22-runners, gang fights, lockdowns. oh but its friday :)
1/22-manchu chicken!
1/25-has self diagnosed herself with oppositional defiance disorder
2/10-is really proud of her boys right now
2/12-is thinking about a gold medal...again...
3/10-why is fog cool and magical in san francisco and just gross here? isn't it all the same fog?
3/24-amazing sunrise over the mississippi. I'm not a morning person but I will miss this.
4/27-in the memphis airport. really unimpressed. but happy to be headed north!
4/27-back in Boston. I love this weather!
5/2-heading back to nola. after such an amazing time up north it actually hurts.
5/7-is watching her boys play flag football against the coaches. may we all experience moments of such pride.
5/9-any of my Maine friends know of a good maid or maid service? Am I showing my pretension by asking? No I just recognize that at 31 I am not going to start cleaning any time soon :) Any suggestions would be great!!!!!
5/11-fire at school and now the whole city smells like oil. I am officially starting my countdown
5/11-amended post: two fires set at school. the east still smells like oil. its time.
5/17-watching my 7th graders compete in martial arts in my cafeteria. amazing how far they've come since august. this I will miss.
5/19-playing chess with one of my 6th graders. laughing so hard. this I will miss
5/20-watching one of my "struggling" math students teach his peers sine, cosine and tangent. this I will miss
5/21-sharing an ipod with charles. listening to drake. this I will miss.
5/22-t-minus one week....and counting
5/26-waiting at the airport for her brother to arrive. can't wait to see him!
5/27-may 27th. eating my first school breakfast. hmmmmm
5/27-playing board games with my boys. laughing.
5/28-will miss my boys
5/29-just drove 16 ft truck with trailer onto bourbon
5/29-as an fyi. the mississippi welcome center is closed.
5/29-the alabama welcome center is open. but not welcoming.
5/29-the city of birmingham sucks. that is all.
5/30-4 adults 3 cats 1 hotel room. interesting night
5/30-quadruple parked at a dairy queen somewhere in alabama. mnm blizzard. happy.
5/31-in west Virginia. cue banjos
5/31-made it to quakertown! ah east coast. how I have missed thee
6/1-on the road again. maineward bound
6/1-apparently a truck towing a car costs 25 in tolls to cross the tapenzee. a problem when you only have 20.
6/2-is home
6/17-is hanging out as the canyon comes between
6/18-loves new england summers
6/23-heard Midnight Train on the radio on my way to work and it made me think of Bourbon Street...missing my NOLA friends!
6/27-steamed clams and lobster. summer has begun.
8/14-I wonder what it means when you dream about being tired...
8/18-is thinking about the milestones you don't achieve
8/24-is hungry for the first time in 36 weeks...what an interesting feeling
8/30-is thinking Morning Edition on NPR needs to find some more news to report...some guy from Wisconsin who decided to move to hollywood to find success but didn't doesn't really seem like news...at all...
9/19-couldn't ask for anything more then she has right now
11/25-is thankful for friends old and new and my wonderful family. go pats!
12/6-misses her boys
12/10-realized this morning that her only response to there being no hot water is to call the landlord...not very effective when you own the house
12/15-Knows how lucky she is...and is very grateful
12/20-you are the best thing that's ever been mine
12/21-Would like to give a shout out to the state of Massachusetts for contributing to her 5 hour drive home last night...I mean it's not like they get snow that often...so it's no surprise they don't have plows or sand trucks right?
12/26-Amazing Christmas...amazing family...amazing friends...so very happy
12/30-Can't wait for a 3 day weekend with her boys
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sounds of the Past
How long has it been now since I have heard the sound of my heels echoing down the metal ramps of the schools trailers. Since I have pushed open heavy metal doors to have meet air so humid, so thick that it would stop me in my tracks. Since I have walked down a hallway full of young men on the brink of becoming.
So much change so quickly. So much started and stopped and started again. So many places we can never return to. Important to remember that just because there are some places we can return to doesn't mean we should.
And I miss...sunrises over the Mississippi River, the sound of Jazz music on Royal Street, mornings on Bourbon Street, Cafe Ole and beignets, Miller McCoy, my boys, Jackie and Ben, Monica, all my TeachNola friends, daiquiris to go, Fritzels, Uncle Barry, drinking on the railroad tracks and sharing one large chair with Huey.
I hold onto the sound of my heals. The smell of the humid morning air. The city that played an integral role in my healing. The year that forever changed me for the better.
So much change so quickly. So much started and stopped and started again. So many places we can never return to. Important to remember that just because there are some places we can return to doesn't mean we should.
And I miss...sunrises over the Mississippi River, the sound of Jazz music on Royal Street, mornings on Bourbon Street, Cafe Ole and beignets, Miller McCoy, my boys, Jackie and Ben, Monica, all my TeachNola friends, daiquiris to go, Fritzels, Uncle Barry, drinking on the railroad tracks and sharing one large chair with Huey.
I hold onto the sound of my heals. The smell of the humid morning air. The city that played an integral role in my healing. The year that forever changed me for the better.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Time to Test the Theory
As one of my New Years Projects (remember no resolutions for me this year...they just end in, well, failure). Which is a nice segway into this project. Since I now have what seems like extra time on my hands (really it's just trapped time)...as I spend 9+ hours on a train each week in nice 2 1/2 hour blocks...I have decided it is time to take my theory on failure and test it.
This is where you loyal blog readers can help. This link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/P8KZW6F will ask you 10 questions about failure. Your answers will help me further formulate my theory...and I promise to share some of those results here with you!
Also...I just noticed my title is 5 words all starting with T. Totally unintentional on my part. I wonder if you could write a paragraph with just words that started with T? Or a page? Perhaps that will be next years New Years Project...
This is where you loyal blog readers can help. This link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/P8KZW6F will ask you 10 questions about failure. Your answers will help me further formulate my theory...and I promise to share some of those results here with you!
Also...I just noticed my title is 5 words all starting with T. Totally unintentional on my part. I wonder if you could write a paragraph with just words that started with T? Or a page? Perhaps that will be next years New Years Project...
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