I know the girl I want to be. Do you want to hear about her? She is confident, kind and healthy. She wears the clothes she likes no matter what people think. She is brave and speaks her mind. She loves her body and is good to it. She has a tattoo that makes her smile. She enjoys every day, gives herself permission to fail and asks for help.
It's easy at night when the house is quiet, and the moon has climbed high in the sky to make a list of promises for tomorrow. Of all the things I should do. Do yoga, drink water, pay bill's, work, dinner, kids, husband...each one with a million small bullets beneath them. Run, call my mother, baseball registration, don't eat the cookies. It's easy at night when the only thing between me and sleep are the list of what ifs that pound in my brain like squirrels on typewriters.
What if baseball registration is full. What if they miss the bus. What if the bus is late and then I am late to my first meeting. What if I left the coffee pot on, the oven on, the crockpot on. What if I made the wrong call at work, what if my husband's contract isn't renewed. What if the house never sells, if someone gets sick. What if I get sick. What if the dog needs surgery. What if the cat doesn't come home. What if, what if...
What if tomorrow I woke up and decided that I am enough. That the extra pounds, the gray hairs, the bad habits, the fashion choices, are enough. What would happen then?