The making of a snowflake

There are things in our lives that we don't need to know.  Because in knowing them it can change the very lens through which we see the world.  I happened upon a detail today about how snowflakes were formed.  Turns out I had been missing an important piece of the formula.  From the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association:

"A snowflake begins to form when an extremely cold water droplet freezes onto a pollen or dust particle in the sky." (http://www.noaa.gov/features/02_monitoring/snowflakes_2013.html)

So what?  You may at first glance think yeah that makes sense.  But really think about what that means...when your lawn is blanketed in a bed of white snow, really it is blanketed in a bed of dust.  And what is dust?  It is particles from roads, pollen, human skin, animal hair, pollution.  It is everywhere and I prefer to not normally think about it.

But now I have two inches of snow...two inches of "dust" on my front lawn...and those tiny white specs falling from the sky are not really something you want to catch on your tongue.  The upside to this discovery is that it at least fits with my world view.  That, like most things, when you dig into their core, they are rotten.

Ellipses

The word is from Ancient Greek and means "falling short". I think of it as those three periods that I can use to create run-on sentences at will. But I like its original meaning...that by using them, I am letting you the reader know that this sentence is going to fall short. That something is going to be omitted, or left out or left up to you.

I feel my life as a parent is an ellipses. Like I am constantly trying to play catch-up over falling short in some way. That while I am at work I am slowly being omitted from my children's lives...replaced by the real life version of three periods in a row.

For you little girl

I thought my destiny was a house full of boys.  I imagined a mud room full of sports equipment and rooms cluttered with sports magazines and dirty cloths.  I imagined a loud, messy house with lots of laundry and snack food.  But that all changed when my daughter was born.  A tiny little strawberry blond (who am I kidding, mostly bald) girl.  She was a surprise and came into our family during one of our hardest times.  It always felt like she knew that and so she took it easy on me.  Instead of being what I thought a daughter would be, she was the light that pulled us through.

Her blond hair fits in pigtails now and she is the total boss of her older brother.  She is the girl I never thought I wanted and I couldn't imagine being
without.  Here are my lessons and hopes for her...

1.  You will probably never be happy with your hair

No matter if is straight or curly or thick or thin or short or long, red, blond or brown.  It may always bother you.  I promise to help you embrace what you have and also to teach you how to use curlers, straightening irons and blow dryers.  And I won't get mad no matter how you cut it, or what color you dye it.

2. It's a man's world

Sorry princess but it is.  And the best advice I have to to not play their game.  Even though you grew up with a stay at home dad and have been surrounded by strong women who have followed and achieved their dreams, you will make less than your brother because you are a girl.  You will be held to a different standard.  So embrace the gloriousness that is you...and make your own rules.

3.  You don't need to "live up to your potential"

You can exceed it.  Or not.  It's up to you.  Don't listen to the teachers who tell you "you aren't trying hard enough."  Don't succumb to peer pressure and think it's cool not to get good grades.  If you follow your dreams, you'll find them coming true.  Except when they don't...and when that happens...see number 11.

4.  Don't be an idiot

Try to make decisions that won't get you into trouble...I would say avoid getting pregnant until you are ready, don't get arrested for doing drugs or driving under the influence, and because you are three now, try not to eat any batteries.  That gives you a lot of ground.  If you want to have sex, tell me.  I won't ask questions and I don't want to hear the details, but I will make sure you go to the doctor and talk to them about birth control.  If you decide to try drugs or drink don't do it on school property and don't get in a car.  If you decide to eat a battery...well I'm just going to take it away from you.

5.  You are smart + clever + kind + thoughtful + patient...

You are so much more than beautiful.  Your generosity and kindness radiate from you.  You are more patient with me than I deserve.  Yes, you are also beautiful.  But you are more than that and I will spend as much time as I can reminding you of that.  We spend too much time telling our girls they are beautiful and our boys they are smart.  Don't ever forget no matter how beautiful you become that doesn't define you.  Just like how old you were when you started talking doesn't, or your reputation in high school doesn't.  You will always be more than one word, even if that one word is a good one.

6.  Be your own princess

A princess doesn't have to wait around for her prince or take the passive road through life.  Even Disney is on-board with this now (mostly).  Being a princess means you value yourself above all else.  That you treat yourself well.  But it is more than how you feel about yourself...it is how you treat others.  A princess is kind and thoughtful to others.  A princess doesn't judge those who are different from her and seeks to be good to everyone (even though you won't always be and that's OK).

7.  I hope you fail

Not at the big things of course, but at a few small things along the way.  While success is awesome and aspirational we learn a lot more from our failures than our successes.  It is through failure that we find our strength and re-examine ourselves.  My fear is that failure will break you.  It becomes all to easy to use failure as an excuse to put our dreams aside for the safe, but less fulfilling path.

I promise to always encourage you and remind you of your dreams.  To help you reach them and to be here when/if you don't.  Failure should never define you...

8.  You are wicked cool


It doesn't matter how much others love you.  One of the secrets to a happy life is to love who you are, what you stand for and what you do.  This is not as easy as it sounds for some.  I promise to remind you of how cool you are.  How amazing you are.  How you are and have always been my light.  But you will have to feel that on the inside...and that my girl is something only you can do.

9.  It's your body

...and you only get one.  This means think twice about what you do to it.  That means boys and girls.  It means tattoos and piercings and drugs.  You're smart and I trust your judgment.  The tattoo you get when you're 18 won't bother me...neither will the nose ring...or dating a lot of guys or girls.  But what I want to make sure is that you respect yourself enough to make decisions that make you feel good about yourself.  I promise to try and model that behavior...and to never judge you...and to love you...no matter what.

10.  Don't compromise on your dreams

Write and dream and paint and pretend acorn tops are fairy hats and the cat is magic.  Your youth and your life are more valuable than to be spent behind a desk.  Do something you love and when you find someone you love don't ever compromise your dreams for theirs.

11.  Welcome Home!

You can always come home.  For breaks from school, for dinner, for the holidays, to stay awhile if life has thrown you a curve ball.  That's what family is.  It means always having a place where people love you no matter what.  And who will always be excited to see you.  I promise to always have a place for you, because little girl I was your first home.  And I figure that is the least I can do.

I love you Fia girl...

Mom

Villains and Frozen spoilers...

Writing villains is always a challenge for me.  I walk the line between creating a character who is so hated that they are one sided and shallow or so wishy-washy that you are never really sure if they are bad, or just confused.  I was watching Frozen for the hundredth time (ah kids...) and it occurred to me that Frozen suffers from a similar problem.  Unlike previous movies where step-mothers transformed into dragons or tricked their daughters into taking poison or locking themselves in a tower, this movie is missing a true villain.

Sure, sure that Hans guy is evil...except he also kept the people of the town safe while the princess and the queen battled it out in the mountains.  Did he have an ulterior motive?  Sure!  But does that make him evil?  Does he try to kill the queen in the end?  Well yeah, so maybe that does make him the bad guy...And what about Elsa...she doesn't seem to have intent behind her actions but all that means is the court would get her for manslaughter instead of first degree murder if Ana had stayed frozen.  Is that evil?  Does freezing your home town and then running off the mountains and refusing to fix the problem make a you a villain?  And then there is the little guy from Weisledon.  He outright says he wants to exploit the country's resources and certainly seems to be behind the plot to kill the queen...yet he never evokes enough anything to be feared.

So what is the larger implication of this?  I know the first time I watched Frozen I walked away feeling disappointed.  Was it because for the first time the hero didn't save the princess?  That true loves kiss was not the answer to thaw a broken heart?  Or was it because without someone to root against how do we know who to root for?

Life is made up of shades of gray...do we want our movies and literature to mimic this?  Or to provide us with the black and white, cut and dry world of good and evil?  Where things may not always work out, but its usually because there is a sequel in the works...

Conversation Hearts and Rape Culture

So since quitting smoking my biggest vice is seasonal candy.  You can find it in my house year round...Candy Corn in March, Mint MnM's in August and Conversation Hearts in September. 

I don't buy Conversation Hearts for their clever sayings.  But I do only eat certain colors (I know OCD right), so I like to separate out the greens and oranges and throw them away when I first open the bag.  This year in doing that, I noticed a "don't tell" heart in the bags.  I know it is not new this year and have found references made to this phrase back to 2006. 

Now, perhaps I just watch too much Law and Order SUV but it seems to me that this messaging, done in this way, is just another tool to condition people to rape culture.  Where secrets are kept, victims suffer in silence and their abusers (sometimes) don't even realize they committed a crime.  In a society where, more than ever, the line between no and yes seems to be blurred by the media, celebrities, government and the courts, it seems like we need to demand more, even from our candy.

Should your ending be happy?

There is always discussion about happy endings in literature.  Readers have distinct opinions about what they want to happen with the characters they have become attached to...and writers have equally strong opinions about what should happen to their characters.  So how should you decide if your protagonist should get happily ever after, devastation and loss or something in between? 

Here are three things to consider when you are working on your ending...

1. What genre are you writing in?  Readers of certain genres have expectations about story endings...the Romance genre for example tends toward having happy endings for their heroines.  Not always of course, but readers tend to expect it.  You should know which genre(s) you are writing in and take into consideration the trends of that genre.

2. What is authentic for your protagonist?   Is your main character someone who has been down on their luck the whole book, nothing going right, forces aligning against them?  If so would a happy ending fit with your book?  Is it believable that someone who has had bad stuff happen for 200 pages suddenly gets it all right?  Maybe...but it would be a hard sell.

3. What is authentic for your the author?  Your writing style and approach play into this question as well.  Can you write happiness in a believable way?  What about unhappiness?  You need to be true to yourself (as well as your character) in order for readers to find you authentic.

If your approach to your ending is thoughtful and in line with your genre, your character and yourself you will find that happy or not, readers will respond to it.

The Power of a First Line

I have long wanted to write a book made up only of first lines for other books.  To me writing the first line is the best part of writing.  Often even if I have a story written in my head I can not put words to paper until I have come up with that first line.

Your first line is your best opportunity to draw in a reader.  It is your chance to hook them.  One sentence.  Just a few words...and it can make the difference between someone pouring through your book and not making it past the first few pages.  So what makes a good first line? Here are a few approaches...

Set the scene

"It was a dark and stormy night."  While now cliché this first line tells us something...and not just that it is night time.  From this line we get a sense of unease, of foreboding.  That something is not right in this world.

Introduce a character

"The day I was born had one thing in common with ever other bad day I had, it rained." The line, from The Day the Rain Came seeks to introduce you to the main character.  From this line you can infer a lot about her...she has a dark sense of humor, she hates the rain, she probably hates herself. 

Give it all away

Sometimes a first line tells us exactly where we are going before we get there.  "I only ever killed Jacob Barnaby because of the cat."  Using this type of first line starts us in the middle, or sometimes even the end of a story.  Sometimes this tells the reader that we are going to be jumping around in time.  Or that knowing this piece of information will be crucial to understanding the larger story. 

And there are many more approaches to writing great first lines...but whatever approach you take remember that your first line is the readers first chance to interact with your characters.  So make it count!

3 Myths About Writing a Novel

It is said so often people joke about it..."I'm just going to quit my job and write a novel."  And with the changes in publishing, the rise of the e-book and the increasing validity of self-publishing pretty much anyone can write, and publish their work.  This is amazing...but just because you can do it doesn't mean it will be easy...so let's debunk the top 3 myths about writing your first novel:

Myth 1: I have a great story in my head all I need is the time to write it down

You may have a great story in your head.  But writing a novel is a lot more than that.  It is the dedication to write every day, to re-write and delete.  It is going through the process of editing and formatting and designing.  A great story does not a great novel make...so if you have a great story, start writing, but that is only step 1 in the process.

Myth 2: Writing is easy

Anyone who has tried to write a novel knows this is not true.  Even if writing is easy, writing a novel is not.  Even when the content flows easily and your story is engaging it is still work.  It still requires discipline and thoughtfulness.  You need to create characters who come alive on the pages, who your readers invest in.  You need to avoid the types of mistakes that disconnect a reader form the story...mistakes about time and place for example.  You need to consider who you are writing for...this will inform the types of words you use or references you make.

Myth 3: I can do everything myself...I don't need an designer, proofreader, publisher

You are right you can.  But that doesn't mean you should.  This is where your friends and colleagues can help you...you don't need to spend thousands for a professionally designed cover but you should talk to the guy you get coffee with sometimes you designs websites for a living and see if he can help you.  You don't need a proofreader, but you should ask your friend who always remembers which "there" to use if she would read it over and mark it up for you.  You don't need a publisher, but you will need to learn about formatting for the different platforms you can self-publish on and you will need to think about how you will market and promote your book once it is done.

Writing a novel isn't as glamorous as it sounds...but it is rewarding and it is doable.  Just make sure you think the whole process through...that way your final book will be something you are proud of.

So where do you start?  Wherever you want...write a character sketch, start at the beginning, start at the end, draw out a timeline or create a family tree.  And then do something every day. 

Facing Failure: When the Play Dough Container Won't Open

Yesterday my daughter "failed" to be able to take off the cover to the play dough container.  In some ways it is hard to call this a failure because she is two and those containers are tough.  But it is a failure none the less.  On a small scale for sure, but she got frustrated, didn't want her brothers help and finally abandoned the Play Dough all together and did something else.  It seemed to me almost like a microcosm of what happens on a larger scale all the time.  We try something, the result is not what we like, or expect and we abandon it for something else.  And we give it a "nasty" word.

You failed to get the promotion.  You didn't succeed in getting to spend more time with your family.

You failed at your marriage.  You didn't succeed in leaving someone who never made you happy.

We celebrate our successes and hide our failures and this takes so much work.  And is counter productive.  In a recent study on failure conducted by ES Communications they asked respondents about their experiences with failure. 

The first two things that jumped out at me was that when asked if failure was a private thing 2/3 of respondents said no.  Individuals perceive that their failures will be public knowledge.  This fact along plays a large role in how people feel about failure.  Since we feel it will become public we are forced not just to think about the failure but also how we will handle how other people in our life will handle the failure.

 The second area of interest was around the areas of our lives where people feel they experience failure.  At the top of that list is friendships.  Followed by work and then failure with our significant other/spouse.  When we think about these results the first thing that comes to mind is that our self-reporting is flawed.  We feel the worst about our interpersonal failures and so we report on them as being more prevalent then they are.

 

Failure isn't easy.  From the moment we realize we can't open the Play Dough container ourselves to our inability to make up with a friend to feeling like we can't buy someone the gift we want because we don't have the money.  All feed our desire to succeed and our need to be praised and recognized for something good.  What if we could turn it all around.  Change our thinking about what it means to fail...could it become something positive?

It's not an Autobiography...

So The Day the Rain Came was published about a week ago.  I wrote it almost 20 years ago.  It is the real voice of a 15 year old girl...but it is fiction.   It is not my story.

The main character is dear to my heart...like an old friend I haven't seen in a while but who I would like to find on Facebook.  I put her through a lot...took a lot from her...and left her with less then she started with.  She has my voice, but she is not me.

The thing that has been interesting to me is that I have this feeling that if anyone I know reads it...and that in and of itself is a big "if"...I think they will think it is based on my life.  And suddenly that makes me feel very exposed.  Because Ashlyn has struggled through a lot and some of the things she has had to face aren't comfortable topics for people.  Perhaps the upside is maybe it will help continue conversations about sexual abuse and rape, about violence in teen relationships, about how the culture of our society prefers to blame the victim still.