We celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. First steps and last days of school. Facebook even helps us to celebrate the longevity of friendships by prompting us to create a video montage of the pictures we have shared of each other. But there are few ways in the society to recognize the milestones we do not reach. The promotion we did not get. The children we didn't have. The marriage or relationship that did not go the distance.
I hopped on to Facebook this morning to find out who had made a healthier breakfast for their kids then I had and who had already been to the gym and who had already gotten a bonus at work...because I prefer to feel bad about myself in the morning before my coffee has kicked in...and there halfway through my feed was a picture of my ex-husband. Facebook is recommending that we be friends. Today. On August 18th. A date that given my lack of caffeine I had not yet realized. But somewhere around 1pm I checked the big wall calendar in my office and realized the date. Did Facebook know that today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary? Is that how his picture and profile found its way into my news feed?
Once I realized what today was I found myself needing to process it so I weighed my options. I could talk to my current husband about it (seems like a bad idea), I could email my ex (maybe the worst idea)I could call a friend (I may still do that), I could post something about on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (I compromised on the blog). Because what can you say about the milestones you don't reach? It has been 7 years since my marriage ended. Since I separated myself from the man I had been with for 11 years and went off to build a life apart from us. Then to build a life with another man...one full of children and animals and laughter and arguments about the mortgage. And I don't think about the old life much anymore. But then I am reminded suddenly and completely of that life, that version of myself, that relationship. And I have this feeling in my gut that I have to rid myself of.
15 years ago today I woke up to a sunny day with a slight breeze in Bethel, ME. My maid of honor was asleep next to me, my husband to be in the condo next door. We did not see each other before the ceremony, and I remember standing at the end of the aisle looking toward him and thinking that this was it. That I was looking at the rest of my life. And so I promised before my family and friends, and God I suppose if you believe he is present at these things, until death do us part. We ate steak and drank champagne and danced to a Radio Head cover of "Nobody Does it Better". And we made it 7 years. 5 of them good. So this was my pause in my day. My moment to give voice to the milestone that will not be achieved. To allow myself to feel sadness just for a moment. And then to move on and celebrate all the good that is here now. Happy failure to reach our 15th anniversary Matt. May your life be everything you wanted it to be. I know you wish the same for me.
