i met myself for coffee

I met my 15 year old self for coffee. 

I was late and she said she was worried I wasn't coming.

I ordered a coffee with cream and she asked for a coke while she fiddled with an unopened pack of Marlboro Reds.

She asked if we were happy. She asked if it was all worth it.

I couldn't lie to her.

I met my 20 year old self for coffee. 

I was late and so was she.

I was sober and she was still crashing from the night before. I ordered a coffee with cream and she asked for a coke while she rolled an unlit parliament between her fingers.

She asked if her and her boyfriend where going to make it.

I told her the truth.

I met my 29 year old self for coffee.

She was on time and didnt notice I was late because she was answering emails on her Blackberry.

I ordered coffee with cream and she asked for a coke without looking up from her phone.

She asked what she was suppose to do now. If she was going to make the right choice.

I told her what I would never tell anyone else.

I met my 40 year old self for coffee.

She had two kids with her and I didnt recognize her when I arrived late. I ordered coffee with cream and so did she. And two hot chocolates for the kids. 

She begged me for the truth.  I wish I had told her.

you were always smarter then me

We met in 6th grade English class. You're poetry was better then mine, but I was bolder then you. I won most talkative in the yearbook, the only superlative I would ever win, but you had more important things to say. 

In 7th grade we spent more time sitting in the hall kicked out of math class then we did learning pre algebra. Something that caused me challenges for years to come.  But not you, math was not your weakness.

By high school we were meeting in the bathroom between classes to pass cigarettes behind stall doors. Finding meaning in the meaningless.

In 10th grade outside between classes my cuts and your burns taking turns listening to Thunderoad on my Walkman. 

And then you call years later, I'm in my junior year of college and you just had your first baby. You tell me everything. You were always so much smarter then me. 

When I see you again we are both 30, I just fresh off my first divorce and you married with 4 wonderful children. We spend an afternoon on the Bayou, the furthest place to girls from Maine could have been.

Fast forward again, I'm on marriage number two pregnant with my second baby, sitting on the sidelines while we watch your boys play baseball. We make promises to get together.

The last time I see you is your second wedding. And years pass between us even though the distance is only a few miles.  You maintain your core group of friends, stay connected to the community and I lock myself away, because, as I have said, you were always smarter then me. 

And I watch from a safe social media distance as you divorce again, watch your daughter get married, celebrate graduations and holidays. And I think I will reach out. But I dont. And now social media tells me I may have waited to long. 

So I shut my eyes tight and picture you the way you were the sunny spring day. My headphones enveloped by your curly hair. The grass sharp and warm beneath my legs. Your eyes starring into mine.  I hope you got everything you ever wanted. I hope you have more time.  And I'm sorry. For whatever it's worth. So very sorry.

May this be the year

 Each year i write a summary in our holiday card of everything we have done.  And I realize why I am always so tired.  

So may this be the year that we take the time to listen to the sound of melting icicles and not worry that they are the sound of a leaky roof.  

That we can sit in the dark and hurt, but do it together so we are not alone in our pain.

That we can learn to say, "horrible" when someone asks us how we are and have that person give a sad smile and nod.

That we can learn to say no, and yes, and feel no guilt of the consequence.

That we can put down our phones and step away from the screen and look up at the hollow blue of the winter sky, the cotton candy summer sunsets and the slowly falling colored fall leaves.

So this year the summary can look something like this:

This year we did things that brought us joy.  We spent time with people we love. We chased our dreams and let go of past hurts.  We grew as people and as a family and mark this year not by the activities completed or the bones broken but of smiles shared, and the quiet moments in between the big ones.

i.lied.

I lied to my children today when i dropped them off at school. There eyes heavy with disappointment and the failure to understand that only children can feel which is worse then for adults because there is helplessness layered all through it. I lied to them and I said it would be ok.  And I reminded them, the best we can do today and always is try to be kind.  But that is a.lie too.  The best we can do is so much more then that and yet...and yet...we will fill pages of social media with rage and frustration for a few days, a week or two.  It will flare up periodically but on the whole we will return to.posts about cats and kids and trips and milestones. And why shouldn't we?  We can not be expected to live in a state of rage forever...and yet...and yet...isn't that where the change must grow from? It must come from a place that is no longer habitable. It must be wrestled and formed in pain and in hopelessness. And it must become something stronger then rage. It must become the thing that unites us. That collectively pulls us into the light. Because it will not be ok otherwise.

I lied to my children this morning. Because it is not their turn yet to hold that rage like a sword. There time will come but now it is up to us. Back against a wall, feet lost in quick sand to look inside and ask ourselves just how much we are willing to risk today, so our sons and daughters don't ever have to pick up that sword. And yet..it feels simpler to find a way to make this scorched earth home again, to build a nest in the highest branch and fortify the walls for the coming winter...and yet..

Sounds of summer

 The screams of childhood permeate my closed windows.  Did I once run between houses with my neighborhood friends as the summer nights, free from obligations, extended long past normal bedtimes?  My wish for them, is not just more nights when freeze tag erases petty arguments of the day, but also that they remember.  If not the exact players or game, but the feeling of being unburdened by what adulthood brings.  For a moment I consider opening my window to let in the evening breeze and their laughter.  But somehow I fear by doing so I will somehow shift to them some of the weight that I carry.  And just for one more night.  For one more summer.  For just a little longer, I want them to believe they are light enough to be carried up by a balloon. 

moments

Moments not metrics. Moments not years. Not months or weeks or days. Not hours, or minutes. Moments like snapshots. His smile boarding a Rollercoaster, the sound of her voice singing along to a favorite song. Them, heads together asleep in the hotel bed. Him ordering a steak and her saying "I'll have what he's having". And at least for now it is my privilege to witness these moments and sometimes be a part of them. Moments. Not trips or purchases. Not vacation homes or theme parks. Moments. Quiet and loud. In between the big discoveries. It's why I happily wait off stage, at the edge of the pool, at the bus stop. It's why I say yes to going on the giant roller coaster, the water slide, to one more game of cribbage.  Moments, like pictures in an album. In hopes that as they grow these moments will stay with them, and remind them in their darkest moments that they were once, and are always loved fiercely. 

a reflection of a year

Beware the Ides of March was a common saying in our house and I am sure I was making a joke about in March of 2020 as we prepared to celebrate my nieces birthday which falls on the 15th.  Schools were closed on that Friday the 13th for a workshop day and I was busy making my nieces favorite bread for her birthday celebration the next day.  There was a feeling of impending doom as Covid cases were on the rise and everything felt tenuous and uneasy.

We would spend the next day celebrating my niece with kids running around and family. My parents talked about their trip to Flordia that they were planning on taking the next week. We ate lunch from a shared buffet and people made side comments about how nice it would be to have a week off from work.   Several hours later we were celebrating the birthday of a dear friend and his family. Our kids sharing ice cream sundaes and barbecuing ribs.  At 7pm we got the call. The schools would be closed for 2 weeks. An hour later I got an email that my office was closed for the next 4 weeks. 

And so that warm day in March became the last day in a year that we gathered without concern.

A year later as we prepare to gather again for my nieces birthday, this time with just my brother and his family and my parents, who have been vaccinated, it  is with both joy and continued worry. It has been a year of home schooling and working from home. Of time spent together as a family, canceled events and missing our friends.  We still did so much, wearing masked, socially distanced, online.  I want to say what we gained has outweighed what we lost. That the increased time as a family, board games, movie nights and magical visits from fairies and bunnies and Santa will be what we remember.  

But I would be lying. Instead my kids have learned to wear masks, seen a country divided on what to do and listened to the school board for our district fight amongst themselves about what to do.  They saw the worst in people more then they saw the best. And the new found anxiety of getting sick, of losing someone, of never being able to play sports again or return to the stage.  And we did our best as the adults to safely guide them through the storm but we were drowning to.  Overtaxed and overwhelmed. Struggling to maintain friendships, to get work completed while also teaching elementary school math. To figure out a new way to shop for groceries and navigating who, if anyone, should be allowed in our bubble.

I read an article when this all started that talked about how the adults get to chose how our kids will remember this time, and that is kind of true. But our kids are not unaware of what is happening around them. Will they grow up seeing more what divides us then connects us? Will they be fearful of the world?   

I look back on this year and I can not remember how we made it through.  But we did.  But that was all we did. We made it through.