It's not an Autobiography...

So The Day the Rain Came was published about a week ago.  I wrote it almost 20 years ago.  It is the real voice of a 15 year old girl...but it is fiction.   It is not my story.

The main character is dear to my heart...like an old friend I haven't seen in a while but who I would like to find on Facebook.  I put her through a lot...took a lot from her...and left her with less then she started with.  She has my voice, but she is not me.

The thing that has been interesting to me is that I have this feeling that if anyone I know reads it...and that in and of itself is a big "if"...I think they will think it is based on my life.  And suddenly that makes me feel very exposed.  Because Ashlyn has struggled through a lot and some of the things she has had to face aren't comfortable topics for people.  Perhaps the upside is maybe it will help continue conversations about sexual abuse and rape, about violence in teen relationships, about how the culture of our society prefers to blame the victim still.

So I wrote a book...

When I was 15 I wrote my first novel and after years of people reading it and thinking it was going to get published I gave up on it.  Until it somehow made its way to another publisher who decided it was worth putting up.  So 19 years after it was written, my book, The Day the Rain Came is now available for purchase on Amazon and through their Kindle store.  You can check it out here:  http://amzn.to/1dcYlOw.

I am done

I found an essay that I wrote in high school last week.  It was the final essay I wrote before I left for college.  And that was the title.  I am done.

Why is it that my whole life I have felt this way.  Like even when something good happens I am unable to enjoy it or see the good in it.  I am perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Trading one set of worries for another.

I started this blog when I was lost.  Then I found myself and my voice.  But like everything I couldn't just be in that moment.  I had to rush through it, find the bad, move on to the next thing.

I want to crawl under my desk and hide.  Let tears silently fall down my face. Keep my mouth closed for so long my tongue forgets how to form words. Punish myself for never being able to enjoy the good.  Perhaps this is my punishment.

Dreams and Regret

A friend on Facebook posted this as their status the other day: "A Man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams".

It got me thinking. How long has it been since I had dreams? I guess my last once ended in 1999. So 13 years. I have become so accustom to living with regret I had stopped even registering it...had just assumed everyone else was like me...resigned. I don't know if it makes me old. But it makes me sad. That for some reason, for many different reasons, I have given up the things I dreamed of and replaced them with the things I need to do.

I didn't take risks when I could. Didn't put myself first. And so instead of the excitement of dreams, I live with the nausea of regret. But I live...and I guess that is something.

2011: A Year in Facebook Posts

1/3: misses, misses, misses you

1/3: is on her way home...so happy

1/10: found it harder then normal to leave this morning

1/10: never thought she would be one of those people who runs for a train. but here we are.

1/10: Is testing a theory about failure...

1/13: is very happy to be homeward bound

1/19: knows I couldn't do this without you. thank you

1/20: just cryin it out...it may be a long night

1/24: now owns a car that tells the temperature. I didn't need to know it was negative 10 this morning though.

1/24: is thinking about home

1/26: stuck on train 20 minutes outside Portland...frustrated and wishing I was still in bed

1/26: new aerobic exercise program: train running

1/29: Ferber method=fail

1/31: will do whatever it takes

2/4: just saw a woman in the train station in shiny black leather pants, a extra large white fur hat and a decorative cane. I assumed she was Russian until she said goodbye to her dad. am both entertained and frightened.

2/4: remembers why she hates public transportation. it seems as though running even close to on time more then once a week is too much to ask.

2/4: misses her freedom car, her 15 minute drive to work and her Marlboro Reds

2/5: loves weekends with her boys

2/7: you're better then the best

2/8: we did it!!! What a year...

2/9: I see "perps" and "unsubs" everywhere have I A) seen too much Law & Order/Criminal Minds B)regained my Northeast cynicism or C) gone without sleep for so long I have finally lost it?
2/14: misses the sound of your voice

2/14: so happy to be home with her boys

2/23: Nobody's clapping...

2/28: long drive...would like to give a shout to my car for holding its own on the snowy icy roads

2/28: misses her boys

2/28: is so glad to be home

3/2: would like to thank everyone in her life who inspires her everyday to dream big

3/5: fingers crossed

3/9: is tired of the concept of "trying"

3/13: in Charlotte. how can one airpore be filled with so many people expessing no urgency. also why is there no McDonalds?

3/13: in Miami. not as great as it sounds.

3/14: is thinking about the awakening

3/14: why is there no soda in this hotel?

3/14: found diet coke. happiest I've been all day.

3/15: thinking about home...and community banking

3/15: en route to airport. spent a total of 5 minutes outside today. it was a nice 5 min though.

3/15: imagining how good my phillie cheese steak is going to be for dinner.

3/15: us air just made me gate check my bag. will it make it to Portland? the odds are set at 50%. you want the over or the under?

3/15: just landed in Philly. the pilot actually said "now that I got your attention with my landing". maybe I should drive the rest of the way home

3/15: is on her last leg home. can't wait to see her boys

3/15: made it to Portland. been waiting for my bag for way way to long. booooo us air.

3/20: cat got sprayed by a skunk. house now smells like a skunk...anyone had any luck dealing with this type of problem? Or should i start looking for a new house?

3/21: really misses her boys today

3/23: really misses NOLA today...

3/27: great Maple Sunday with the family!

4/4: Going through bug withdrawl

4/11:misses nola, Marlboros, her boys and the sense that she is doing something worthwhile

4/13: eat your ceral with a fork and do your homework in the dark

5/4: try to leave a light on when I'm gone

5/11: why does the parking garage smell like burned broccoli?

5/11: listening to the Celtics lose while driving home = bad idea

6/19: Happy Fathers Day to the love of my life, Huey Sheffler. Jack and I would be lost without you

6/22: Wonders what the guy driving the truck with the bumper sticker "have you hugged your assault rifle today" would say to the guy in the Prius with the "I'd rather be stomping imperialism" bumper sticker?

6/27: was really wishing I was driving my SUV as I passed the guy in the Prius with the bumper sticker "draft SUV owners first"...

6/27: loves being able to smell the ocean

7/14: Nixon- you are the worst pet I have ever had. You spent your first days with us throwing up on the floor. You cried the whole drive from NOLA to Maine. You pooped all over our new house and because of you we have to replace a carpet in one of our bedrooms. Your tale is broken and your eyes look in two different directions. But I love you and I would really like you to come home now.

7/15: Thinking of going to the Clam Festivale for the first time since the mid-90's...any recommendations on parking spots out of the fray?

8/2: misses you

8/3: just had one of those moments...

8/24: feels like she has been away for a long time

9/20: misses her boys

10/6: Sad to hear about Steve Jobs...while I have never been a huge fan of Apple products he gave a speech in 2005 that changed my life: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

10/18: What happens at the interesection of ramping up and winding down?

10/30: Does anyone know if there an alternative to cmp as a power company in southern Maine? This no power thing is unacceptable. The fact that you can't even get a real person when you call is maybe the worst customer experience I have ever encountered.

10/31: Power back on (thanks to nana and gramps for letting the bug - and us sleep in a warm house last night). Cozy in my office. Am researching whole house generators :)

11/9: what is it about deadlines that feel so definitive...

11/9: Has no idea how she will sleep tonight

11/24: Thankful for good friends, wonderful family, a warm fire, tasty food and for Huey. Happy Thanksgiving everyone

12/22: It's been two and a half years since I met Huey Sheffler, two years since we adopted our cat Jackcat, 18 months since we bought our house, 15 months since our son Jack was born, 6 weeks since our daughter Sophia was born, 24 hours since our dog Nola came home and 5 hours since we said "I Do" in front of our children and a judge. We're married and couldn't be happier!

12/25: Merry Christmas to all. So thankful for Nana and Grandpa, uncle Edward, the kids and for Huey. Always for Huey. Hope your day was as full of warmth and laughter and food as ours was.

A compromise means no one is happy

We say we compromise all the time. We compromise on what movie to watch with friends or what color to paint the bathroom. The President says Congress needs to compromise in order to balance the budget or pass a jobs bill. But compromise isn't the right word for any of this. These are not examples of compromise. At least not in the way we mean it. Just like we use "near miss" to mean "wow that was close" instead of what it actually means...that we hit something. Or we say that the town was decimated by the hurricane, when in fact if the town was decimated only 1/10 of it was damaged...instead of nearly all of it.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to compromise and when you boil it down to the basics, to compromise means for each party to give up something in exchange of coming to an agreement. Doesn't this really mean that everyone loses? Think of it this way. You would hear someone say they would never compromise on their morals or principles. So why would they then compromise on the type of house they want to buy, the job they want to have or what they watch on TV? If our principles and morals are not something we would change, or "give an inch on" why would we give that inch elsewhere?

The answer is we don't. There are just certain fights that we choose not to engage in. Should we watch the Phillies or the Red Sox game on TV? They play at the same time, we can't watch both because we don't have a screen in screen TV. You could argue a compromise is flip between the two games but then neither person is happy because you aren't really watching either. So one person will call it a compromise and say, "let's just watch the Phillies tonight." But they haven't compromised. They have given up.

So stop compromising and start choosing your battles. Fight the fights that you won't give an inch on and ignore the rest. It may just mean a step closer to being happy...

Glass Ceilings

I wish that women could get out their own way long enough to stop making our entire gender look bad. Perhaps it is the position we find ourselves in. Having spent so many years demanding equality without thinking about what that would cost us. Without considering the damage we might do if someday we actually did break through the elusive and reinforced glass ceiling.

From business to politics to the tabloids, we may read about men failing, getting caught in scandals, being put in jail. But we aren't reading about the women at all - even those women who try to climb the corporate ladder, or reach the highest echelons of politics find themselves either riding the coat tails of, or being brought down by a man.

Now I am no feminist. But until we find a way to stop digging the divide between us deeper by believing we are playing on their home field with paid off refs, nothing will change. I'm thinking of starting a new movement...one in which women stop trying to compete with men at ever turn, and embrace the things in ourselves that make us valuable. Not as women in a man's world. But as people, in our world.